About: 
.

I'm a boring 21 years old girl living in a small but beautiful city -- Yogyakarta. Currently starting her career in a big corporate as a Creative Marketing Associate; trying to get through life one day at a time.
A Little Twist That Changes Everything

Hello!



I still can't believe it's been such a long time since I last write anything here. And to tell you that SO much things have happened in my life (and the fact that I'm 21 years old now) right now, sometimes shakes me a little bit. But anyways, I need to kick myself back to reality and probably start writing again.

So basically, I already told you (or gave you an info) that my sister got married last year. Now, even though it has been some time since we lived separately, it still feels weird now that I live completely alone with my dad. But honestly, it's been quite alright, we (me and my dad) are both busy with work, which I'm about to tell you later in this post what I've been up to! And so, here I present you a picture of me and my sister on her wedding day. I wrote that heart-touching caption because I want to -- and because I talk too much as a person (which I know you know about this.)

It was a beautiful wedding yesterday, and yes, I was teary-eyed almost the whole time. Forget about how both of my parents felt — letting their first daughter off to her new life, her new journey, making new memories with her new family — I couldn't even held back the tears when I walked her down the aisle to her now-husband. The last one year since we live apart, was actually the time when we grow closer as sisters. Our relationship changes and I've since then grew increasingly protective of her. Back then I never thought we'd have this kind of closeness growing up, but yesterday, it hit me hard like "this is it, this is the moment, everything is going to change but it's going to be better, better for her" and it's somehow comforting to know and to feel that way. Surrounded by loved ones and all the angels from heaven, she is now a wife of someone who's equally amazing as she is. I'll never worry about you anymore. You're in the perfect hands now. We will never worry. And like I said, it was a beautiful wedding. I love you :) #CiciDhanyDay
A photo posted by @echapradhipta on


Anyway, last year, I went through a lot. Well, like most other years before, I went through a lot and changed a lot (I think). But all and all, I feel like I managed to become a better person, even though the changes didn't actually happen along the year. A few things to recount, I think, to have passed 2 semesters in college and managed to STILL stay sane. It was rough, like, real rough. I got so lazy after the 5th semester that I felt sooooooooooo pulled down by having to get through the classes. Thankfully, I still have that habit of "just go fucking do things and get it over with", and I managed to finish all the itsy-bitsy shits of college, right on time. (YEAY!)

A photo posted by @echapradhipta on

So up there, is a picture of me after my 'seminar proposal' for my final thesis so I can finish up my college life and be free (and get to be an undergraduate!). I'm LEGIT excited to be Sarjana Sastra, I feel like it's a cool degree, you know, like, I understand literature a lot (when I'm actually not), but I still get to be called Sarjana Sastra anyway :P I plan on finishing my thesis in February and hopefully will graduate in May this year. Wish me luck, okay!

Another highlight of last year was turning **21**. I'm basically legal now, I don't have to ask people to buy me beer (padahal nggak pernah ditanya ID nya juga), but I used to get nervous when I wanna buy beer for being under-age lol nevermind. Beside being legal, I'm also nervous for the fact that I'm now old :( I used to feel like I'm always too young in the middle of every circle of friends I know, but now? Ugh, like a huge responsibility on my shoulder just for turning 21. I feel like I need to be more serious, and this feeling of needing to be more serious lead me to something ~**AmAzin9**~ (and basically out of  my comfort zone.


Ready to hear what I'm about to reveal? I'M A LEGIT WORKER NOW. For those of you who know me, I'm the laziest bum that ever lived in this world. Like, I basically do nothing all day beside doing what I have to do -- going to classes, doing papers, etc. Other than that, basically, nothing. Nothing that would improve my value in life (sad, huh?) and improve my value as a person. So, about the end of November 2015, my sister encouraged me to apply to this new startup company based in Jogja, as an intern, who was searching for a Content Writer for their web-based startup. Honestly, I was so lazy, and because I've never done anything serious in life, even had never work in them kind of work field, I believe I wouldn't be fit for the job. But anyway, I applied, and to my own surprise, they hired me!


^^LOL I have no picture of the office and/or my picture at the office but I took that Snapchat selfie on my 3rd day of working there. Okay, so now, details! I work at this new startup called Ehloo. They've been established for about 4 months now, and it's basically a website that kind of like Buzzfeed-y. You know, we make articles and videos about anything that relate to your life. So there I was, as one of their writer, still new, still learning, still you know.. Figuring things out. But I'm so glad that I get to be one of them employees because I like the fact that they're new and I can get to grow along with them and also help the company grow.


I started working there at 1st of December 2015, so it's been a month now, and I already made quite a progress that I'm personally proud of. I got the chance to build the company and they gave me a new position (although it's still in a 'trial' mode, but I'm happy to work, day-by-day, trying to improve the company, the brand, the team, everything, to a better and more interesting place. Not to brag, but I'm happy to tell you guys that now, after a month, they trust me to be the new Creative Director, and I'm trying so so so so so hard to make great things happen there!


Please do pray for me that things will be good and great in my new step in life! If you guys ever want to see few of my writings there, just click this link here. I'm not very good at writing, but I'm still learning tho hehehe. If you guys have the time, please go to our Facebook page and click like! Also, you can click the link of the Instagram page and follow the account. Ehloo still got a lot to improve, and I'm working very very hard to make things work! :)

And last but not least, if you ever wonder about my relationship..


I'm (still) with him. Bian is still as amazing as always. And yes, we still have our ups and downs, but that's normal in any relationship, right? And if you're wondering why we (still) haven't got married yet, we actually wondering about the same damn thing, too. Lol. Just kidding. We have plans, but not in the near future! If I ever get the chance to make them plans come true, I will surely let you guys know :)

Until then,
I'll see you guys in the next post!

You tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do, love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

Cici + Dhany #cicidhanyday 10.10.15


My sister's wedding day video. I'm still so very speechless watching this oh my Godddd! It was beautiful and it was a day I will never ever forget! Love her and him and everyone in it!

Xoxo,
Echa

Mon Petit Pain au Chocolat


We love each other, that's the most important thing I can think of right now. If the world comes to an end, I'm thankful that I will be beside him when it does. I'll be here forever, for you. Forever.

I need to stop being sorry.

"I can’t help but think maybe it’s because of me, do I ask for too much? Is it because I’m always sad? Am I not good enough, what did I do? The love of my life is the most amazing man in the world yet when his voice gets quiet on the phone I can’t help but question if he’s okay because I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. I always ask over and over, if he loves me because I need the reassurance that I’m not some crazy bitch. When my friend texts me and I don’t respond for a few hours I am afraid she will think it’s because I don’t care but in reality it’s because I can’t think of anything to talk about when my mind is filled with this negativity about myself. I just always feel like I am doing wrong. I am wrong, I am damaged, by other people’s mistakes, I take credit for. That’s what I do wrong.."

My random thoughts at the end of every night,
E. 


I see it sometimes. And it's bitter and sweet, you just can't decide. But that's life. You can't always get what you want, can you?


E.

Procrastinate

Seperti judul di atas, that is exactly what I am doing right now. Harusnya nyelesaiin design proposal. Harusnya nyelesaiin design logo. Harusnya ngecheck ulang tugas UAS yang harus dikumpul besok. Harusnya. Kapan terakhir kali ngelewatin hari tanpa kata itu? Sudah lama, mungkin sebelum mengenal yang namanya pendidikan. But no, I won't let this educational things ruin my life, from what I heard, it should make me better, no? Tapi setiap masuk dalam institusi apapun itu yang berhubungan dengan pendidikan, rasanya cuma pengen cepat - cepat keluar. Tapi keluarpun juga ngga menghilangkan kata diatas tadi dari hari - hari ku besok. Karena menjadi dewasa adalah memahami betul arti harusnya.
 
I have 2 exams left until victory. In victory, I mean, liburan. The real victory, semoga saja, datang dalam waktu 2 tahun lagi. Atau kalau bisa ya kurang dari 2 tahun. Aamiin! See? Procrastinating is not always bad. In under 10 minutes of writing this post, I already learned about myself better (soal nggak mau dikalahin sama educational things), and I learned how to face all the harusnya in my life, also, making goals on when I want to get my victory. Biar post nya ngga ngebosenin, dikasih gambar deh. I bought something this week, something old but new. And I will tell you a little something that I learned from it.
 
 
Yes, I bought a vintage camera. Alasannya gara - gara terlalu bosan. Nggak punya hobi. Capek mantengin layar terus. Ntah ngerjain tugas, ntah ngerjain proposal, ntah ngerjain design. And I remembered that my dad owned a vintage canon when he was young. He took great pictures with it. Tapi karena ini dari kocek pribadi, dan saya bukan orang yang suka belajar (keliatan kan), saya akhirnya memutuskan untuk beli kamera rangefinder aja. Dibeli di onlineshop yang saya temukan waktu iseng - iseng bukain IG orang, setelah beberapa hari galau nggak jelas karena bingung mau beli yang kaya gimana, akhirnya jam 1 pagi si admin ngepost my future first-analog camera, yes, my very own Canonet 28. Tapi tentu aja, sebelum beli saya udah cari - cari tau soal kamera ini. It's not the best QL camera from Canon, it's actually a cheaper version of the once so very famous Canon QL17 yang ada mark - mark berapanya gitu. It is a cheaper version, and it is one of the last camera yang terbuat dari bahan itu (apa namanya males googling) sebelum akhirnya keluar kamera - kamera berbahan dasar plastic yang notabene lebih enteng lah dari kamera kayak gini. This camera is either made in late 1960s or early 1970s, but as long as it's not from the 21st century, I take this as a vintage.
 
Beberapa orang ada yang nanya, "ngapain sih beli kamera analog", "kok hipster banget sih pake kamera analog" (NO SHIT, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?), "alah ribet harus beli film, cuci film". Well, the list goes on and on. But seriously people, buying this piece of tin actually taught me something. Beberapa dari mereka saya jawab dengan, "ngga mampu beli kamera digital", "mau beli yang kayak gini tapi digital harganya sama dengan duit jajan gue 2 tahun", dan masih ada lagi yang melawan dengan, "ya make kamera analog biaya beli film dan cuci film sama aja kan duitnya lama - lama bisa dipake buat beli kamera yang digital". Iya, bener. Tapi saya punya kamera DSLR, dan itu ngebosenin banget. Kamera analog pertama saya itu kado dari pacar, kamera LOMO: Fisheye. Dulu nggak seberapa sadar, tapi kamera analog itu punya power untuk menghasilkan certain color-tones yang kadang nggak bisa dihasilkan kamera DSLR ataupun dengan retouch dari the dearly Photoshop.
 
But seriously, I got so many shit to learn. Bukan cuma dari kameranya aja, dari hal - hal kayak roll film nya juga harus saya pelajarin. Roll film itu banyaknya setengah mati, dan beberapa yang terbaik udah kukut alias ngga dijual lagi. Tapi, as a beginner, I use any roll film that I can get in hope to just improve my skills first and understand all the other shits later. Maaf, saya capek banget rasanya cuma pengen ngomong shit buat gantiin thing :)
 
Setelah beli roll film pertama saya untuk minggu ini, sekalian buat testing, saya mulai tenteng - tenteng Onet kemanapun saya pergi. Even di hari itu saya ga motret sama sekali, pokoknya saya bawa aja. Oh iya ada side story soal saya beli roll film, saya kaget ini roll film sekarang harganya 45 ribu. Taun 2012 harganya masih 35 ribu men, hiks. Akhirnya saya langsung pesen di toko si mas kamera ini yang jual per-bundle isi 5 biji buat nyetok. Lumayan lah beda 10 ribu daripada di toko deket rumah. Tapi men, masih deg - degan soal harga cuci cetak nya. Jadi mari kita bismillah!
 
Udah panjang aja tulisan ga penting nya :( oke langsung ke poinnya aja: what I learned is, having an analog camera with so minimal auto powers, I learned how to be thorough. To get the focus on the film, I have to adjust it through a very very small yellow rectangle from the viewfinder to align the shadow of the object I shot. And I have to get the right exposures by reading the arrow in the viewfinder. Deciding the aperture to adjust the exposure.. Basically, all the things I would not give a fuck when I was using DSLR. Why? Because using DSLR let me see the result instantly, and when I don't get it right, I can just re-do the shot. But with this camera, I found a certain worry-ness if I'm not being precise in each shot I'm taking.
 
After a few days, I finally get along with the camera very well. I mean, thanks to the very mint condition of the camera itself, it makes me easier to use it. Most of them old cameras have their light-meter dead. Which would be deadly to me too if I'm using it hahaha. Why am I laughing.
 
But the most important thing I learned is: I get to be more patient. I am learning to be patient. A thing that I'm not born with among all the other qualities I am naturally born with.
 
--------------------------
 
GUESS WHAT? I'M THE WORST PROCRASTINATOR IN THE WORLD!
Bahkan saya kemaren tengah - tengah nulis post ini berhenti buat telfon - telfonan sama Bian. Terus tau - tau udah jam setengah 3 pagi aja dan saya memutuskan untuk tidur. Please, why am I so lazy now. I gotta stop being such a loser. I'm the worst!
 
Anyway, yes, I learned to be patient and I love it. To take each pictures in a long duration, 36 pictures in 1 roll and after 4 days, I have only taken 10 pictures. And after I finished, I will wait again for the pictures to be printed. Dan saya sangat excited untuk melewati proses - proses itu.
 
Saya udah nyetok film buat liburan besok. Semoga 5 roll cukup ya. Nggak sabar banget mau liburan nenteng - nenteng doi!
 
 
Until then,
DO NOT BE AN AWFUL PROCRASTINATOR LIKE ME.

Rappelle-moi de cette poésie

Bonjour,
Tadi malam baru saja menghabiskan waktu nonton konser yang diadakan di PKKH (dulu Purna Budaya UGM) oleh mahasiswa fisipol, khususnya komunikasi. Menarik sekali akhirnya bisa nonton konser lagi setelah beberapa bulan yang lalu nonton Mocca di tempat yang sama. Ada sesuatu di PKKH yang bikin suasana konser lebih intim. Tapi mungkin cuma perasaanku aja haha
 
Untuk kali ini, ada 4 band yang perform. Yang pertama, Boarding Room. Band yang diisi oleh teman - teman tersayang, salah satu band yang pernah aku bikin kisruh dengan suaraku. Always been my favorite, I enjoy them very much. Yang kedua, ada band Jalan Pulang. Kalau gak salah inget, nonton mereka pertama kali di acaranya FMF beberapa bulan yang lalu, tapi kali ini full-band. Menarik deh mereka. Beberapa bagian ada yang bikin inget sama The Trees & The Wild, one of my favorite band, too. It's a good discovery. Yang ketiga, ini lumayan bikin galau. Nama band nya adalah Rabu. Kebetulan kata Bian, vokalisnya adalah temannya waktu SMP dan namanya adalah Wednes (short for Wednes-day. I know. Go figure.). Anyway, kenapa galau? Karena dengerin mereka ini (2 personil) seperti masuk ke dalam pikiran sendiri. Not exactly my kind of music, tapi ditengah - tengah agak ngantuk, I actually enjoy the rhythm they play. Waktu denger mereka mulai main, langsung keinget sama band Prancis yang belum lama dating ke Jogja, namanya Limousin. Rasanya kayak diajak jalan - jalan ke pikiran sendiri, lihat - lihat memori yang ada. Menarik :)
 
Nah yang keempat ini yang paling ditunggu semuanya: Banda Neira. Jujur aja, belum begitu lama dengerin mereka, tapi memang susah untuk nggak jatuh cinta. I'm a sucker for poetry and simple words. Apalagi poetry yang tertulis dan kata - kata yang sederhana. Lirik di lagu mereka itu simple tapi ngena. Puisi untuk telinga, tapi sangat enteng, mudah dipahami dan sangat easy-to-relate. Musik mereka juga simple, gitar dan beberapa atribut lain. Mau sok tau nyebutnya tapi nggak usah deh ya. Biar kalian penasaran aja :-P
 

Ini pertama kali nonton mereka live. Mereka sangat simple, dan emang lagi ngetrend ya sepertinya band - band begini. Semua penonton duduk rapi, saat mereka nyanyi, penonton juga ikut nyanyi dengan volume yang manusiawi jadi suara kedua personil juga tetep terdengar. Intim banget, I love every minute of it. Rasanya mereka nyanyi lebih dari 5 lagu dengan tempo yang pas. Semua terasa pas, ngga terlalu cepat atau lambat.
 
Tapi yang menyentuh hati hadir di akhir. Saat mereka selesai, tentu, seperti yang lain, penonton minta encore. Saat itu denger Nanda (salah satu personil) bilang, "kita sebenernya udah nggak ada lagu lagi," tapi akhirnya mereka memutuskan buat nyanyiin satu piece baru yang mereka kerjain tapi belum sempat untuk dilatih. Karena memang relative baru dan belum untuk ditampilkan live. "Kita akan bawain musikalisasi puisi Chairil Anwar yang menurut kita sangat sacral," kata Rara, "puisi ini ditulis ditahun kematian Chairil Anwar." Setelah ditunggu mereka siap - siap, akhirnya Nanda mulai memetik gitarnya dan bilang, "judulnya Derai Derai Cemara," lalu mereka mulai.
 
Begitu dengerin dengan seksama, iya, jadi teringat pertama kali tahu puisi ini waktu SMA. Tapi kayaknya karena pengalaman jiwa nya belum banyak, jadi makna puisinya terasa berbeda, Saat dengerin mereka ini akhirnya paham kenapa sakral. Akhirnya jadi terngiang - ngiang puisinya sampe akhirnya memutuskan untuk nulis post ini.
 
Aku sekarang orangnya bisa tahan
sudah berapa waktu bukan kanak lagi
 
My favorite, indeed.
Tapi karena keinget puisi Chairil Anwar, jadi keinget puisi nya yang lain. Keinget puisi yang nyerempet - nyerempet soal cinta. Cinta mati, lebih tepatnya. Yang berhubungan dengan mati, ya, ironi.

Tak Sepadan
 
Aku kira:
Beginilah nanti jadinya
Kau kawin, beranak dan berbahagia
Sedang aku mengembara serupa Ahasveros
 
Dikutuk sumpahi Eros
Aku merangkaki dinding buta
Tak satu juga pintu terbuka
 
Jadi baik juga kita padami
Unggunan api ini
Karena kau tidak 'kan apa - apa
Aku terpanggang tinggal rangka
 
 
Ah, puisi itu. Dulu sempat menempel di kepala selama SMA. Tapi tentu pengalaman yang dirasa berbeda. Tapi senang bisa keinget lagi sama puisi tersebut. Sesuatu tentang puisi yang bikin tenang. Rasanya seperti dipahami kata - kata. Dipahami ketika yang hidup tidak bisa.
 
I hope you guys had a good night, as good as I did. Because nights like this don't always happen that often. And nights like this makes me feel like I want to write it down and share it to you all.
 
 
Bonne nuit,
Echa xx

I have to learn to identify my sadness.

Tonight,
I mostly felt fear
I worry about something
I feel as if I'm facing something that is not true
I still don't know how to explain

Goodnight

2/3

My mind is hell.
I hate myself so much for being alive even for a second.
I spend my days wondering if I even need to be here anyway.
My nights are the worst, I hear voices & see faces of hatred.
What to hold on to now?
With no one on my side, I have to be strong by myself.

But I wake up anyway,
Believing another lie anyway,
Searching for serenity anyway,
Until I meet another night
Where I lay down facing the ceiling
Wondering why this bothers me so much
Whispering myself, "I love you",
And go back to another corner of my mind
And continue the same ritual again and again
The next morning.

Me Inside You

I smile, listening you the sound of your voice. It calms me down, everything is right again.
My heart is beating to your symphony, we have the same music in our bodies. I love.
It is simple yet so meaningful. You and your beautiful jawline. Hands, so warm and familiar, I feel so lucky to be near you.

And then I open my eyes.
I walk out of my room and drink some water. It was nice to woke up from it.

Father's Day

Last night, I was thinking about what I would wear to classes tomorrow. I always do this so that I can minimize the time I spend to get ready for classes in the mornings. I was imagining myself wearing black shirt and jeans, or a simple black dress because I think the weather would be gloomy so I might as well wear something monochromic to embrace the surroundings.
At exactly 8 p.m, I received a message from my boyfriend saying that his uncle (the younger brother of his father) just passed away after an accident. Even though I only met his uncle once, but I still feel a little stings hearing the sad news. So I asked him if he is going to go to the funeral. He said yes, and he asked me to accompany him.
 
The next morning, I got up and get ready for classes. I put on my black dress, just like what I prepared last night. I suddenly wonder why last night I thought of wearing all black, or even thinking about how tomorrow is going to be gloomy. But then again, maybe it's just a coincidence.
 
The second class ended at 10.30 a.m. Me and Bian supposed to go to Klaten at 11 or 12 p.m in the noon, but we ended up leaving at 12.30 p.m. because we had lunch first. It took us exactly 1 hour to get to the funeral home. It's in the Pedan district, a little over the Central Klaten, if I'm not mistaken. From a distance, we could hear the sounds of prayers from the loud-speakers. The ceremony had started when we got there, the Kiyai (holy-man) was already starting his speech of prayers for the late-uncle.
I always love coming to the hometown of Bian's father. The people are so warm, they always smile and greet even though you don't really know who they are. The sincerity of the warm hands shaking mine, that's what I love the most. But all the sweetness couldn't cover the air of sadness from the death of someone. You see, mother earth surely knows how to carry a weather in certain conditions; because it was not too sunny and too gloomy; it's just okay. Though the wind is a little bit cold, maybe that's from the grieving the family feel.
 
I sat down, and I listened closely to what the Kiyai said. Although he was speaking in all Javanese language, for some reasons, I could perfectly comprehend what he was saying. The words were so beautiful that I couldn't spare a second not to listen. I remember he said; "kita adalah kekasih - kekasih Allah SWT, dan untuk menjadi kekasih yang baik, kita harus beriman. Allah Maha Penyayang, manusia yang beriman sedikit pun akan diberinya tempat di surga. Tidakkah saudara malu hanya menjadi kekasih-Nya yang beriman sedikit ketika Ia bias memberikan kita nikmat yang sungguh besar? Maka jadilah kekasih yang mempunyai iman yang besar dan banyak," beautiful isn't it? In the middle of a tragic moment, there was a man who could make the situation into a very peaceful moment where we can spare a thought and actually be grateful and happy about the lesson that the late-ones have given us.
 
That's what I now learn from funerals; after hating is for a long time, I finally come to terms of how the late-ones can still have the power to make us feel so much alive & grateful. All I can do now is send prayers for Bian's uncle whenever I can so I can always be grateful of my existence now.
 
After the funeral, I texted my sister, just a random chat and she said to me that today is father's day. I feel a little bit bummed, so I planned on buying some flowers for my dad when I get back to Jogja later. I left at exactly 4 p.m., along with Bian's 3 sisters. We arrived and rested at home for and hour or so, and then me and Bian went off to by flowers & grab some dinner.
 
 

I arrived home at 8 p.m., my sister is already there. I got inside the house and my dad was sitting in front of the TV. We walked toward him and presented him the flowers. We both gave him a hug and told him that we love him & how we are so thankful for everything he has done for us. A lesson is learned in that very moment.
 
Yesterday, someone lost a father.
And here I am, being so lucky and all, still having the chance to embrace my father. I'm so grateful of life. Happy father's day, Dad.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Until then,
May you rest in a beautiful & peaceful place, Om Nugroho :)


Find something you love; and let it kill you.

To put your trust in someone, is like handing someone a knife that would slit your throat anytime they wish.

I never believed in anyone but myself, and as far as I'm concerned, until now I still believe in me and myself only. Even the closest people in my life only gets to the point where I let them just be in it. I find it hard to trust even the slightest thing, the simple thing. It's as if I would be damaged for life if I ever trust anything in this life. I don't know how this happened, I'm still searching for the reason that I believe happened years ago.

Today I asked myself, what is the point of keeping someone so close if you don't even trust them? I was so angry at myself that all I can do is cry. I never trusted people who said that crying isn't a sign of weakness. Of course it is a sign of weakness, because your heart clench; you feel like something is slowly pushing your heart, it hurts. It hurts when you cry. And when you are hurt, you are weak.

I remember making list of rules for me that I silently applied to everyone that I care about. I trust them, but then again, it's not possible to fix other people. This made me realize how I will always be hard on trusting things. Should I, or should I not go on with this rule I made, I have no idea.

So today I tell myself to believe me, and only me for the rest of my life. At least until someone would be brave enough to say, "this is good. This is right. I will try to gain your trust in whatever way possible."

Whoever that is, please come quick. I don't want to make any stupid decisions. I want to end up okay.


Until then,
please come quickly, save me.

“There are people we meet in life who miss being important to us by inches, days, or heartbeats. Another place or time or a different emotional frame of mind and we would willingly fall into their arms; gladly take up their challenge or invitation. But as it is, we encounter them when we are discontent or content and they are not. Whatever they are, we are not and vice versa. Two trains going in different directions that pass for a few powerful moments at full speed, blasting noise and wind but then they are gone. Whatever serious chemistry might have been possible if, isn’t.”
—  Jonathan Carroll

You Asked for This


I decided to write what you asked me to; to write about us. I told you before I had no idea how to start but I believe it's more of 'I'm too lazy to start to write' kind of phase. But what the hell, I can't sleep right now so I might as well start to write about us. First of all, I have no idea what I should put in the story; how to start, what to write, which part is good enough to explain what I mean. So I will just tell it to you now, if this turns out to be lousy, I'm sorry. You know that I am not the greatest writer who can easily collect good words and make it a one hell of a story. But I love you, whatever I write down after this, that's what I'm trying to explain.

2006.
It wasn't really love at first sight, but I could tell that you were such an interesting lad. Your well-build body for a 15 year old boy was a good sight to caught. I wasn't surprise when my best friend liked you, you seemed smooth and smart, that was enough for a puppy love to grew. You must remember how fast it was to claimed us as a couple; a yahoo messenger conversation that supposed to be a joke turned out to be a trap to a crazy 'years-to-come' love story that we didn't plan at all.

This I can say, you were the first guy I held hands with wherever I go. I suppose that should mean something to begin with. As for now, I always think that those small moments were the times I know of growing up with you. You are my many firsts; and when I say many, I mean, many. I wasn't a good catch, I knew that well enough, and still we went on with this super childish relationship with years of painful stupidity. Cheats and revenges pretty much sums up what we called love; but in every second of it, we build chemistry like no other living things in the universe did.

 My, all those nasty things happened in between our times together, I don't want to put it in this story. I think it's best to keep it to ourselves; few of those stories I already managed to put far far faaaar away in the back of my head because it's too unimportant to remember.

 2007.
My first time of fearing to be far from the one person that I wanted to be with the most. Our 3 years differences forced us to be parted from each other when you went to high school. But I also happy for the fact that this year was the first time I met your sweet big family. I remember how we sat down next to each other just before days you were going to spend your 3 months orientation. With my iPod playing our favorite song, earphones plugged to each of our ears, we just sat there holding hands. "Oh, It Is Love" by Hellogoodbye, the first love song I shared with a boy. I didn't want to leave that place, and surely, I didn't want you to stay there. I liked spending my Saturdays and Sundays with you; going to the mall, to our friends' place, to places where we just spent our days together, close to each other. That was the first time I saw you cry. You told me how you didn't want to be there, but we both know there was nothing much to do. So we held each other and gave a sweet kiss. And we said goodbye.

 Those 3 months of waiting I wasted with disappointing you. I'm not proud of it even to this day. It hit me hard when I finally see your face after 3 months and we broke up. But it didn't hit me hard enough to learned my lesson and almost lost you for good. Anyway, you are reading this so you must know the story I meant, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about my bad habit of disappointing you, over and over again.

 Years to come after this, it was a super bumpy road all the way. But whatever I went through, being with you is the most possibly comfortable way. People always told me how it wasn't right to always try to fix what we have. Believe me, I might have tell you this times and times already, there were times I gave up on us. But this feeling of comfort I only find with you keeps me coming back to you. Whether it's in good or messy condition, you are always my number one option throughout everything.

 2010.
You graduated from high school and you were back to the city. Funny, when I wrote this, Adhitia Sofyan's song called "You're In Town" is playing. And here the lyrics said, "I heard the news that you're in town, well that explains the big grey sky.."
I was scared to my nerves knowing that you could be anywhere near me now, just like 3 years ago when we first met. The fear of easily seeing you fell in love with anyone else but me.. You know what I meant, right? I bet you do. My fear was as huge as a Godzilla it would ruin me to pieces. You still got your touch with getting the girls you want, I was still impress as I was when I knew you for the first time.

 And as for me, you know I was busy filling my self up to get rid of you from my mind. Here comes the part where I moved on. One guy that overcame all of your perfection in my head, I mentioned you this. But every beautiful thing has its thorn, the perfect guy would never existed if my comfort is still nicely kept deep inside of you. So we go on to another roller-coaster ride; I didn't move on. My stepping back was easy, having you around me so much like you used to bring back my smile and joy.

 2012.
The year of finally got our grip on each other. I felt like I grew up exactly I wanted to; with you. Roads took me all over the place but always ended up in front of your beautiful face. How could I ever leave you? All of those years of my stupidity played inside my head like a huge tornado. My first step was to forgive myself. I did, and so I go on with the things I want to finish. Sort things out and I was ready to let myself to you completely.

 2013.
Everything goes well, don't you think?
With you, everything is easy. To wake up and to have a purpose. I find it easy to write beautiful words for you, of course. Despite of the little things I find lousy about you, I still love you like I always do. I've never been easy to love, I know that, but your patience and kindness cures me little by little. After long time of searching how the best way I explain my way of loving, here's what I can give you, I took this from Haruki Murakami book I always carried when I'm with you, the Norwegian Wood. This is the conversation between the 2 characters, Midori & Watanabe:
     "...I'm looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say, I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for."
     "I'm not sure that has anything to do with love," I said with some amazement.
    "It does," she said. "You just don't know it. There are times in a girl's life when things like that are incredibly important."
     "Thinks like throwing strawberry shortcake out the window?"
     "Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologize to me. 'Now I see, Midori. What a fool I've been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortcake. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I'll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate mousse? Cheesecake?'"
     "So then what?"
     "So then I'd give him all the love he deserves for what he's done."
     "Sounds crazy to me."
    "Well, to me, that's what love is. Not that anyone can understand me, though." Midori gave her head a little shake against my shoulder. "For a certain kind of person, love begins from something tiny or silly. From something like that or it doesn't begin at all."
Do you get what I mean from what I wrote up there? It's simple really; if you can give yourself out, your 100% to me; listen to my tiniest voice, see all of my little moves; I give it back to you more than you can imagine. This is the 'help-me-help-you' part that I always try to do. I should put this up as our motto: What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for-- and to do it so unconsciously. (Yes, I took this from the same book, too. I'm actually obsessed.) So let's never wound each other, better to not do it unconsciously.

 We still got a long way to go, but the future is in our hand. I want us to move to the same future, so let's hold hands and fall more in love; let's learn to live with each others' bad side and also fall in love with it; let's broke the rules and annoy everyone around us and prove them wrong; let's do it, together. And might as well, forever. I'm sorry if I go far over the line sometimes; I’m an egotist, but I’m not selfish. There’s a difference. I’m a neurotic, I guess. I can’t stop thinking about myself. It isn’t that I think myself so important. I simply can’t think about anything else, that’s all.

 I love you, and the list goes on and on. You are my biggest support system, you know how messed up I am. But to cry in your arms and have you comforting me is enough to make me stay. I quit fooling around, I have everything I need in you. You know how I hope you do the same, too. My honesty goes so far for you, so believe me, I am completely yours. This is one way I do to show you how much I love you. But I don't think it is enough yet. Anyhow, one day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.

 Be my someone who, 10 years from now, makes my heart jump when I hear his key in the door.


Until then,
Dedicated to my one and only, Bian

9.27 p.m.


     I just got home from a normal day. Well-spent day with my loved ones.. Oh, how simple it is to feel happy, I got tired of constantly trying to look for happiness because whatever I have been reading, whatever things people have told me, nothing is as real as just to step back and let the day go the way it should be and let happiness slip onto each moment that passes through the day. I'm happy, I don't know who to thank to but to myself. I'm happy and that makes every important people in my life happy.

    Look, I'm not meaning to be cheesy, but my life is a little bit in control now. I feel how balance my life is, I got rid of the things that I don't need, I stay true to myself, I put my words in the right places when I talk, I give myself time to look at my life, and last but not least.. I try.

Today, I was sitting next to Bian when I asked him a question that came out of nowhere.
  
     "What will you do if I die?"

He looked at me, smiled, and he said that he don't know. And then he asked me,

     "Do I have to know now? Because I never want to think about that, I never think of wanting to think about that,"

And I did my step-back-and-look-at-that thing. I stepped back, and I wondered myself why I asked such question. I ended up with the famous 'I don't know, I just wondered' answer. But then he looked at me again and he said,
  
     "Let me put this in reverse, what do YOU want me to do if you die?"

I could feel the behind of my neck burning with goosebumps. I sat in silence, and I almost cried for no apparent reason. I tried to translate what I was feeling into words, and I answered this,

     "I don't exactly want you to do anything at all, but if I die, well.. If I die, I'm scared if you will eventually love someone else. But heck, anyway, if I die, then I am dead, and I will never know anything about you falling in love or whatever. But that's that, I'm scared you will love someone else,"

     He didn't say anything else after I said that, and I think that's the right thing to do. Because I might burst into tears if he would say anything afterwards. But you know me, every small sentences would put me in a jungle of thoughts that I need to answer.

What will happen if I die? What will happen if I die a sudden death, and I can't finish whatever I have been doing or whatever I have wished to do? What will happen to my dad? Will I dare to die and leave him sad? What if I make every single person that cares about me sad? What will happen to my sister? Will I leave her devastated trying to clean up all the things I leave in my room? What will happen to me? Will I die happy and will they know when I do?

     I wonder if any of you ever feel or think about this. I'm scared, and I don't know if I am allowed to be scared.  I don't know how I am going to die, and when I am going to die.. But I'm sure as hell, I will not die unhappy. And my mission now is to make it come true.

So tell me,

What do you think of others when you die?




Love,
E

This Is How You Lose Her


This is how you lose her.
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.

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Explanations



“To believe in explanations is good, because it means you may believe also that beneath the chaotic, mindless jumble of everything, beneath the horrible disjunction you feel at every moment between you and all you are not, there dwells in the universe a secret harmony, a coherence and rightness like a balanced equation that’s out of reach for now but some day will reveal itself in its entirety.”

 — Paul Murray, Skippy Dies

Contro i difetti del vicin t'adiri, e gli stessi difetti in te non miri.

Forget other faults remembering your own; Forgive and forget.

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