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Oh Lord.. It's been a while since I last wrote any story in this blog. How I miss blogging :) and now I'm here, sitting in my bed room, in front of my laptop, accompanied by a cup of tea, my phone, and a very low volume of songs playing from my iTunes. I guess it's rainy season, although I think the rain isn't very hard like the first few days of the rainy season.. But you know, I love rain. I love how it is very calm at one time, but it can be really angry at one time too. I'm just like rain. I fall from the highest part of the sky, I can be calm, but sometimes, I want to be angry. I come unexpectedly. And how they all say rain is very cold. Sometimes, yes, I am cold.

Anyways, let's just forget about all the philosophy thingy, the point is, I'm back. I'm so bored with everything right now and all I want to do is write. I've scrolling this blog for hours, reading my old posts, yes, I really feel like I know my self better after scrolling 18 pages of my blog :P

Let's start the story now, shall we? :)

I'm in the 12th year of my school now. I can't believe it.. I'm going to finish high school in no time guys. I'm excited, but I'm scared too. But no, I'm waaay excited. The scared thingy is just a little feeling that came up everytime I thought, "oh wow, another 3 months and I'm going to face the National Examination..", but yes, I'm excited. I can't wait for college, like really. I know it's too much, right? But hey, you gotta be excited about something in order to get the energy to face the things you gotta face, right? :) so yes, I'm busy with lots of 12th graders does, studying. I'm not very keen on studying though, I need to shake things up so I can finally realize that I AM GOING TO FACE THE EXAM SOON! Gosh, life is hard life is hard life is hard.. And it's harder if you're stupid.. Stupid like me :(

So much things happened in a year, darling, every thing changes so fast. Everything is a blink ahead. That's one thing that I learn most of all.. Appreciate everything, I mean, everything that you got now. Cause you know, you can lose it in matter of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and the worst.. Seconds.

I'm trying to find my happiness now. Never thought it'd be this hard you know? I spend my days trying to hide the dizziness in my head, I laugh, I make jokes, sometimes it helps, but the moment I'm alone.. There they come, my bad thoughts, my sadness, my guilts, and silence strikes to my life again. I sounded so emo back there didn't I? But it's true, I can't fake it if I'm writing it. This is a one chance where I can put all out my feelings, I can say whatever I want about how I feel, and if anyone ever read it, I don't mind. I'm fine with it. Maybe, just maybe, you guys would help answering all my weird behavior, right? :)

Happiness is not easy to find. That's the first thing I found when I'm trying to find it. The more I try to find what happiness is, the more sadness got in to my head. It's a mindfuck thing, I know. But at least I'm trying, right? I'm happy. I'm happy for what I have and what I am living for right now. My life is not perfect but it's enough. Blessings come every day. Therefor, I'm hoping that happiness is not far away to reach :)

This is just pathetic.. Right this moment, I'm feeling so sad and anxious. I don't wanna do anything except writing. I feel like I'm crying but I just can't cry myself out. I'm listening to a list of sad songs, ah, it's not helping. It helps me being more pathetic. I'm missing something.. A person, or, I don't know.. A feeling, maybe? And now I have a new addiction for a website, no it's not twitter haha it's tumblr. It's a one page where I can be miserable with my thoughts, I don't post any shit talks like this, I just reblogging things. I love the pictures, the quotes, the sayings, sometimes, SOMETIMES, it's actually what I'm feeling. So I'm going to post few things that I love, here..


So true, right? I'm missing something here. It's been playing inside my head for few days.. Things are hard for me now. And don't even know why. But you have to let go. I'm so crazy for the word 'let go'. I keep thinking how much I need to be with myself. But I need to be with someone. Someone that can keep me sane and calm. So I don't fall down angrily like the rain in the storms. I want to fly like the wind. A breeze. Calm & gentle. Never upset. Never. Ever. Upset.

"Sometimes you meet somebody and you know that whatever you did before, it must have been right. Nothing could’ve been too bad or gone too far wrong because it led you to this person." - Ethan Hawke.

Despite all my sadness and all the madness I've caused, I guess I already find "that" kind of somebody :) I'm glad though, but sometimes I think I'm a disappointment. People always ask me to do things for them, but they always forget to ask me if I'm okay with that. Egoistic? Fuck yes. And I don't care. I'm a cold-hearted bitch, someone once said that to me. I'm fine with it, that's just who I am. Yes, I am miserable, I'm unstable, but so what? I am hard to handle, but I appreciate anyone who's willing to handle me. Why? Cause that anyone must be very lovable.

Bitterness always caught me in the right place and time. Like this exact moment, when I'm writing this, I am desperately listening to John Mayer' songs. Blues always has its own ways to make me suffer. I hate it. But I'm enjoying it too. You know how the say, "feel it, don't run from it, for what you feel now will not come back again," I'm trying my best to do that. My real best. I don't want to run from what I have to feel. I promise myself to feel everything that I need to feel. Just like dealing with the problems that I have to face. Assuming, I'm sitting here trying to find what's wrong with myself. Is it because of love? Or simply because of life? Or is this the part where happiness strikes me at my lowest point? I don't know. I don't want to know. I'm just gonna enjoy this moment while it lasts.

I'm planning about something right now. I'm excited but again, I feel very bitter. Empty. Remembering all about last year. I want to make things right again, this year. I got 3 weeks to go, I have to make it better than the last.

I guess this is all that I want to write right now. I'll talk to you soon, okay? Meanwhile, this is my last thought..

Labels: Life, Love