Pervalidus

About:

I'm a boring 21 years old girl living in a small but beautiful city -- Yogyakarta. Currently starting her career in a big corporate as a Creative Marketing Associate; trying to get through life one day at a time.

God Bless & Thank You

"There is no anger.. It's just you and I, and the truth."

I never thought this day would come. But maybe you already knew this. That's why our plans never worked out the way we want it to. I keep telling myself how lucky I am for being the one that had your heart & soul, all at once, for the past years. And I'm not regretting this, darling, I never regret us. But you know me, sadness & loss always had me.

These past two weeks have been the hardest for me. And the funny thing is, we can only stand this for two weeks. When we have another two weeks to finally talk about it & make everything clear, but you chose what you chose, and all I can do is respect that.. and move on.

I don't know what to do now. People keep telling me that I'll be fine. But I know I'm fine, I mean, I'm okay for this past 2 weeks, it's a good sign, right? Hehe I know.. I sound so hopeless. But what if I am?

I arrived home tonight. Got in my room. Clean up all the mess. And then I sat down and look around. You never left anything for me to remember you. Such a cruel ass you got there. But now I'm in a dilemma. You showed me how to love with all my heart, to trust, to let everything fall in its own way to their own places, to live for myself (and you) without thinking about anyone else, to fall and get back up again, to make priorities, to grow up, to do everything I want to do.. Boy, you sure make me a hell of a girl. I am literally growing up with you. But each time I look at you, I know someday I will lose my grip of you. I will have to live by my own. Without you. And all those plans.. Those promises.. I know it's unreal. But what we had was real. The love, it was the most truest of all.

That stupid line. I still remember it so clear in my head.. I still remember your face when you said your last goodbye. You didn't even say goodbye.. That's a very stupid way to end this. But the funny thing is, I didn't cry as hard as a little girl that fell off of a tree. I cried for 2 minutes. And everything around me calmed me down. I didn't know what happen. All I know is when I said I can't talk about this know, what you heard was I don't even want to talk to you anymore. The situation is a bitch. Not a cold-hearted bitch. It's just... A bitch. Oh I still remember it in my head.. It plays over and over again.. How you said you won't let me go. But how I always look like I'm so very easy on letting you go.. But in the end, you're the one with the decision to let me go. I'm not saying that it's cruel, but darling.. Do you feel empty? I wish I can ask you that. And look straight in to your eyes to see if there's an emptiness or not. But I can't now. I guess I shouldn't look at you now.

Stupid.

That's the only word I can think of right now. About this situation. This is just so stupid. Nothing makes sense anymore. I hate the fact that I have to start over, with someone else, someone new.. I hate that I have to get used to someone else. It's a hard work.. Making myself comfortable again, with someone new.. Again. I just can't stop thinking about the suffer, the every moment I would spend to get to know someone again.. I just can't go through that again. No. I don't know if I can't, or if I don't want to. Remember when you said that what we have is the feeling of being comfortable with each other. The fact that you can't find it in somebody else, and how I can't find mine in someone else, too? Well.. I still go around thinking if this comfy feeling would end or not.

I still find it weird that I'm not even crying right now. You know me, I'm a sucker for love. I love badly. Badly enough to hurt you & to make you go away from me. Oh.. God knows how much I love you, but why do God let me lose you again and again? You know what I mean by this situation is stupid, right? It is stupid. And receiving your text after the break up.. The more stupid text. I can't believe you have the guts to send me the text. Any chance that we can be bestfriend? What kind of stupid question is that. You should let me move on first, man. You fool.

"A few nice words can help a person more than you think."

That's what I found just now. And now I'm browsing to so many websites showing the tricks to get through a break up. I am so desperately needing a space to think straight that I have to open this websites. Awful. I just want to figure out why I am not crying over you now. I always cry like hell about this, but why not now? I hope I can feel more relieved after crying, but now, I'm pinching myself, rolling on by bed, but I still can't cry. Not a tear. Not a drop. NOTHING!

The weirdest thing ever, right? After a very long comeback, a lot heavier commitment, and all that came out was a 2 minutes tears? Not cool.

I suppose you're out now with your friends. Doing things I always forbid you to do. Having drinks, smoking your cigars, consuming your weeds, eating your pills.. Damn. I really got nothing to lose, am I not? I don't know if I should be proud of this, or not. But people keep telling me how I should find someone better. I can get any guy I want. If I wanna have a very badass boyfriend, I can have one. But if I wanna have a very nice & sincere one, I can have one, too. Without trying so hard to change him, demanding him to change to a type of guy that I want, and end up listening to him whining and whining, over and over again, about how bitchy I am of his behavior, I so very can find one that doesn't act like that. I'm a winning girl.

It's this late and you sent me another text.

Not even a word?

Darling, really?

After all those times you said you wouldn't leave, all those words you said about not going to end this relationship, all those sweet nothings that you said to keep my feet of off the ground.. You asked me if I have any words to say? I can't even look at myself now. I can only type this words on my blog post, pouring everything on my mind out. It's hard for me to write down how I feel, and now you want me to say something to you? Pardon my french, trouduc.

I have a very weird thing that always happens when I'm in doubt of something. A song always playing in head. Like right now, well, actually, since you left, John Mayer' songs been playing on and on again. From Comfortable, to Back to You, to Why Did You Mess With Forever?, to I'm Gonna Find Another You, and last.. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room.

I have favorite lines from every song.. I'm gonna write it down just to make this post long.

1. Comfortable,

"Our love was, comfortable and so broken in.."

2. Back to You,

"Back to me, I know that it comes back to me.. Doesn't it scare you? Your will is not as strong as it used to be.."

3. Why Did You Mess With Forever? *just fyi, this is like the.. me song*

"Before I'm on my way, I've one more thing to ask.. Was it worth the price you paid for my never coming back? Why did you mess with forever?"

"Don't you call me cruel. Cruel's what you making me do. I stick to my rules. I'm at odds with my heart."

4. I'm Gonna Find Another You

"It's really over.. You made your stand. You got me crying, as was your plan."

5. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

"It's not a silly little moment, it's not the storm before the fall. This is the deep and dying breathe of this love that we've been working on."

"I was the one you always dream of, you are the one I try to draw. How dare you say it's nothing to me? Baby, you're the only light I ever saw."

"I'll make the most of all the sadness, you'll be a bitch because you can. You try to hit me just to hurt me so you leave me feeling dirty cause you can't understand."

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This part will be full of pictures. Yes. My whole entire brain, shown in pictures.

And probably, these are the quotes that can get me through the moment. :)

"Once you love something, you always love it in some way. You have to. It's, like, part of you. For good." -- Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye

"I love you but I want to punch you in the fucking face." -- The O.C.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." -- Unknown

"Anyone who loves in the expectation of being loved in return is wasting their time." -- Paulo Coelho, The Devil & Miss Prym

"And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore." -- Anne Lamott

"I really don't know what 'I love you' means. I think it means 'Don't leave me here alone.'" -- Neil Gaiman

So.. How will I end this post?
Hmm.. I guess in one sentence.

I hope you can deal with your loss. ❤

Labels: Life, Love, Story

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