There's no point to any of this. It's all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes.So I take pleasure in the details & put it on a story.
I'm a boring 21 years old girl living in a small but beautiful city -- Yogyakarta. Currently starting her career in a big corporate as a Creative Marketing Associate; trying to get through life one day at a time.
Throughout my life, I've always been afraid of losing people, especially the people I love. But then, sometimes I wonder, is there anyone out there afraid of losing me? I don't know exactly what happened to me. And for the first time today, I don't really care. I shouldn't have to care. I shouldn't have to work this hard. I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard. But I know anyway, that life is never easy for those who dream. So, is this the part where my suffering start? Because I still feel like I've been dreaming. I don't even know which one is reality, and which one is dream. I'm desperately hoping the best for myself.
Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery. Although I know so badly that understanding is the hardest thing for me. Am I in the state where I can't accept anything? Not even myself? Doubts are all up in my head right now. I am thinking what I shouldn't be thinking right now. No priorities stated in my head now. My brain isn't working normally. Is this what they called 'losing your mind'? I can't be like this, not today, not for the whole months.
I'm not trying to deny my feelings. I'm trying to make sure that I'm feeling what I am capable of. I never want to put myself in much more crumbling world where mind tricks are all up in the game. Cause I simply understand that I can't stand that anymore. So then I've come to realized, the only way to have a clear-headed mind is to start over. A fresh start to a whole new thing. I will never look back. I will never plan to go backwards. At first, I always thought that I won't deny my feelings for him anymore. No more lying to myself about control, no more weighing out the pros & cons, no more comparisons and warnings and walls. Why? Because the answer is simple.. I can't go on like that forever.
What is wrong with the whole thing about true love?
Why is it so hard to let go? For what I know, once you let go of the past, the past will let go of you. That is the one question I can never, ever, answer. Because true love always ends with unfinished business. True love always find its way to one another. Is it possible that true love is only caused by an unfinished relationship? Maybe.. We only obsess over a relationship that feel unfinished. Because just by that, we will look for reasons why we should find each other again. While we know in our hearts going back to each other isn't always a good idea. How come those reasons never stop coming? I should be answering that question now, but I still can't. I'm afraid one day, I'll still find that reasons for the unfinished business.
But..
What would it be to love? Would it be the smile on your face? Would it be the sound of your whining every time I declined your wishes? Would it be natural at all? Would it be as easy as holding you in my arms and holding you out? Would it be magic or lucky find? Would it be the a song that I sing?
Would I be the queen or the slave? Would I be the loved or lover?
If I am cold, would love be a blanket? If I am crying, would love be a tissue? If I am blind, would love be an eye? If I am speechless, would love be a mouth?
What would it be.. To love?
I only believe one thing. I believe that we should always say 'I love you' to the people we love, every time we get the chance to say so.
How does one must know when to keep going and when to let go? And the decision I chose is to let go. When I'm not sure yet whether I should keep going, or let go.
Decisions are the hardest to make, especially when it's a choice between where you should be and where you want to be. But some things don't last forever, and some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.. Or if that person still recognize you.
What I fear the most is my fragile heart can break easily, or my fragile principal can crushed to pieces. Cause the things we lose always have a way to come back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.
I never try to talk or to say a word. Cause I simply am, afraid for breaking all of my rules. My stupid rules. But I've begun to realize, you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.
I just have on more thing left to say.
Come back. Come back when it's possible for us to be together again. Come back when we are old enough to understand each other. Come back when you feel it is the right thing to do. Come back when you are a changed man. Come back.. If you finally realize that I am worth to spend the rest of your life with.
Don't come back if you're still the same person as you left me. Cause it's just going to be the same roller-coaster again, which I'm not interested to ride.
