There's no point to any of this. It's all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes.So I take pleasure in the details & put it on a story.
I'm a boring 21 years old girl living in a small but beautiful city -- Yogyakarta. Currently starting her career in a big corporate as a Creative Marketing Associate; trying to get through life one day at a time.
Clarity
clar·i·ty
/ˈklaritē/
The quality in being clear, in particular.;
The quality of coherence and intelligibility.
It's crazy how times has been passing in my life, and the only thing I am looking for is that one word up there. Yes, clarity. I love small words with huge meanings, like this clarity word, for me, it has a very big meaning. Like what I said, life has been such a roller-coaster for me. It's like nothing is going the way I wanted it, almost in every aspect of my life. And clarity is the only thing I am looking for now. Why? I will put it in a (hopefully) nice story here.
I'm a very egoistic person, I admit that. And for so long, that egoism brought me to a position where carelessness was growing inside me, rapidly. This so called carelessness not only taking the best of me, it has changed me to a very ugly person on the inside. And as the result, it also affected people around me. By the time I feel like my life is such a flat board, I realized that it is because I couldn't care enough to know what's going on around me. Basically, I was bored with myself. But thankfully, that boredom brought me to a realization to change that ugly habit.
After a series of bad moments in my life, and me turning 18 years old last December, somehow I feel like I've been such an arrogant bitch. It was disgusting how that egoistic side of me had been consuming every part of my brain and actually made me believe that there was no one else as important as myself. And then came one moment, right after my birthday, right after I met my mom, and right before my father's 55th birthday.. I was thrown back to the past to see how I had been all along.
I was on my way back to my house with Bian, after buying presents & cake for my father's birthday. My iPod was plugged in the aux-in of his car, and the songs were playing on shuffle. Then, about 500 meters from my house, the song called Mother by my favorite singer, Adhitia Sofyan, was playing. In the lyric, he sang, "..mother have you seen your laughter falling through the arms of Angels? Mother if you see me, I'm alright.."
Somehow, without me knowing it, my tears started to fall down my cheeks. My heart started to beat out of the usual, and I got goose bumps all over my body. The song went on and on.. And every lyric I heard, every word in it, crawled in to the base of my ears and playing around inside my head. I thought to myself, "what happened? What is wrong with me?", I really didn't know what was wrong. First, I never cried about my mother. No matter how people always pity me for not living with my mom anymore, I never felt like crying about it. So the song kept on consuming me, I knew I looked horrible right at that moment. Bian did the right thing, though, he parked right before the turn to my block, and he held my hand, asking me what's wrong.
And for some odd reasons, I started mumbling about all things that I was crying about. I told him I missed my mom, which was the thing that I had never mentioned before. My thought about not living with my mom was very simple, it was: okay, now I am not living with my mom anymore, but I still can reach her anytime I want. I can call her, or text her, it's easy. I didn't lose all of her, she's just not here. I know I can just buy a ticket to go wherever she is at the moment. That's easy, and that's okay. Look at those sentences, disgusting how I thought about it, right? I told Bian how egoistic I was for not being sad or angry, for not changing to a different personality because of that separation. And I told him that night, I miss my mom. It's horrible to not living with her, eventhough she is easy-to-reach, but I'm not lying, it's horrible, really. I'm very sad with the fact that it is so hard for me to realize that I need her that much. Despite the things that she did, I really, really, wish she was here. I told Bian that maybe, the reason why I never was sad or angry, it was because I wasn't care enough to feel all the emotions that went through all along. I had been busy thinking about myself that I forgot it must be so hard for my mother, too, to not living with me & my sister, her two daughters that she gave birth to and she raised up until the separation. I kept on weeping, because there were a lot of things that I hated about me at that moment.
All the things I wish I did back then, it came up to me like a lightning. Not only I had been so careless about my mother, it was also crazy how careless I was to my dad. Man, looking back on all of the break-ups I had with Bian, what my dad went through was more than that. Remembering that the next day was my old man's birthday, his 55th birthday, I was shaking, my dad is really old now, and he's alone. A part of me was confused what should I do about that, I mean, imagine having someone you're so familiar with (in my dad's case, my mother) for 20 years, always together, next to each other, knowing someone will always be next to you when you are going to sleep, having a sense of calmness everytime you wake up knowing someone will be next to you, and one day, that person is gone. I told Bian exactly that, how scared I am to see my dad growing old alone. I really want to be around him all the time because that's the only thing I could give him.
I had been unfair to everyone, all along. Not only to my family, but to everything. How I treated Bian, how I treated my friends.. It was wrong. Bian comforted me, he hugged me while I was still busy with my weeping. And I remembered, I kept on saying, "It's not fair, I've been so unfair.. I've been so egoistic," and I kept on saying how sorry I am for treating him badly.
Bian drove me home, and when I walked inside the house, I found my old man already sleeping after his busy day at work. I was still shaky, I walked in to his room slowly, and planted a soft kiss on his forehead and walked out slowly. I went upstairs, and I thought to myself, when was the last time I did that to him? Realizing how happy I was after planting that kiss on his forehead, I promised myself to do it more often. I packed all the stuff for tomorrow, his birthday gift and the cake. I was very excited to surprise him tomorrow, I really wanted to put a smile on his face.
The next morning, me and my sister went downstairs and presented him all the things we prepared. Not only we made him smile, he also shed a tear. I was happy as ever, looking at his smile and that happy tear.. It was worth it.
The result of last night's drama moment was a whole new idea inside my head. I decided to be more thoughtful and to actually care about things around me. I'm starting slow, but now, I think I feel better about myself. One of the most significant change was shedding tears when I saw my friend, Vina, leaving to US for college. 2 days, I cried because I felt like something is going to be missing, my best friend is leaving. I never knew I had the capacity to be sad about my friends, but now, I don't know if it's good or bad, but I am more sentimental about them. I spend times with them not only in hanging out, but also in chats. I'm happy to know that I'm doing better in all of this.
The next significant change was how I treat my boyfriend. Seriously, I think I'm turning into a hopeless romantic for him. I appreciate him more than I used to, even though things aren't going well enough (still), but I feel better with myself in this relationship. I really hope he can be the same person he is turning me into now. Because I'm not lying when I say I want him to be in my life, forever.
Well lesson learned, I now believe that people can change. I never thought I could change before this, but now, I do believe they can. And I'm so very thankful for everyone in my life who has been so nice to me through all the moments in my life. Old friends or new friends, you guys definitely have special places in my heart :)
One of my favorite quotes;
"If you change nothing, nothing will change."
For my family, no matter what things had come between us, I still keep in mind the perfect picture of our togetherness.. And it will forever stay inside my memory.
For my beloved, most amazing person in my life, Bian, thank you for making me who I am right now. You are not only change me, you also move me. I'm happy to have you even though I always look sad, but the bottom line is, I love you. Please remember that, and remember me.
