About: 
.

I'm a boring 21 years old girl living in a small but beautiful city -- Yogyakarta. Currently starting her career in a big corporate as a Creative Marketing Associate; trying to get through life one day at a time.
9.27 p.m.


     I just got home from a normal day. Well-spent day with my loved ones.. Oh, how simple it is to feel happy, I got tired of constantly trying to look for happiness because whatever I have been reading, whatever things people have told me, nothing is as real as just to step back and let the day go the way it should be and let happiness slip onto each moment that passes through the day. I'm happy, I don't know who to thank to but to myself. I'm happy and that makes every important people in my life happy.

    Look, I'm not meaning to be cheesy, but my life is a little bit in control now. I feel how balance my life is, I got rid of the things that I don't need, I stay true to myself, I put my words in the right places when I talk, I give myself time to look at my life, and last but not least.. I try.

Today, I was sitting next to Bian when I asked him a question that came out of nowhere.
  
     "What will you do if I die?"

He looked at me, smiled, and he said that he don't know. And then he asked me,

     "Do I have to know now? Because I never want to think about that, I never think of wanting to think about that,"

And I did my step-back-and-look-at-that thing. I stepped back, and I wondered myself why I asked such question. I ended up with the famous 'I don't know, I just wondered' answer. But then he looked at me again and he said,
  
     "Let me put this in reverse, what do YOU want me to do if you die?"

I could feel the behind of my neck burning with goosebumps. I sat in silence, and I almost cried for no apparent reason. I tried to translate what I was feeling into words, and I answered this,

     "I don't exactly want you to do anything at all, but if I die, well.. If I die, I'm scared if you will eventually love someone else. But heck, anyway, if I die, then I am dead, and I will never know anything about you falling in love or whatever. But that's that, I'm scared you will love someone else,"

     He didn't say anything else after I said that, and I think that's the right thing to do. Because I might burst into tears if he would say anything afterwards. But you know me, every small sentences would put me in a jungle of thoughts that I need to answer.

What will happen if I die? What will happen if I die a sudden death, and I can't finish whatever I have been doing or whatever I have wished to do? What will happen to my dad? Will I dare to die and leave him sad? What if I make every single person that cares about me sad? What will happen to my sister? Will I leave her devastated trying to clean up all the things I leave in my room? What will happen to me? Will I die happy and will they know when I do?

     I wonder if any of you ever feel or think about this. I'm scared, and I don't know if I am allowed to be scared.  I don't know how I am going to die, and when I am going to die.. But I'm sure as hell, I will not die unhappy. And my mission now is to make it come true.

So tell me,

What do you think of others when you die?




Love,
E

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